Learning to breathe in the fresh air..... and find myself through the invisible maze

The year 2006 has almost drawn to a close. Tomorrow night, countdown parties are being held like sprouting mushrooms across the island of Singapore.
Kenshu 2006 is over and today we had the review.
Yet throughout it, the old feelings of anger, contempt, arrogance and inadequecy etc etc engulf me.
Am i even fit to be here? I ask. I try and try to sweep away these silly thoughts. Yet, they still stay, like some stubborn stain that would not go away.

My heart is empty and like a void i float around this universe, seemingly uncarring. Even unfeeling. I watch shows that make myself shed tears to keep check that i am still human, that i still have feelings to speak of. Why is it that i can feel so much for a character in a show and yet in real life, i shut my self up. I switch off my brain when others are sharing, or rather when certain people are sharing. I hate myself for having double standards.

What is it that has made me become so devoid of emotion? Or is it that i am too hurt, tired and wounded in the many rat races i have unknowingly signed up for, that this is my instinctive reaction. Which is to numb myself and become somthing just better than a mennequin-cus' i can talk.

I have been traped so long, and now i am slowly breaking free.
I test my wings alittle, stretching it alittle.
I break out of my cell, of which i have been almost entombed.
And call out to the new world, announcing my arrival.

My heart had seemingly been devoured, almost beyond reseruction.
Yet with every slight pulsating beat, i can feel it forming again.
Soon i hope to test uncharted waters
Soon i hope to soar
And get a deep clean breath of fresh air
with the hope of many more.

My vision had seemingly been blurred with everything beyong recognition.
Yet with every little trying blink, i can see it clearing again.
Soon i hope to test uncharted waters
Soon i hope to see
And navigate myself out of this invisible maze
into the bright warmth of the sun's embrace.

Soon i hope to call out to the world and say that i can feel my heart beating strongly once more.






As one last note.......i believe that i am breaking free of my reins.
When your first instinct tells you to run away.......
I guess it just isnt gonna be........
So i will face up to any opposing winds
with a brilliant smile
and learn to slowly embrace the world once more.

Why let them control you? Where's the you i know?

With uncertainty, i reach out my hand
to you who clings on the edge of the land
With soft coaxes and kind words,
i tried to make you take it.
but yet i am not sure
if you really heard them.

With slight desperation, i tried to make you see
that letting yourself lose yourself
will make you only fall and hurt thee.
Some sharp words were added
to jolt you to your senses.
but yet again i am not sure
if you really heard them.

It hurts to see that a lesson learnt once before by me
is replayed in another's life with glee.
Maybe its just a lesson one has to learn for oneself.
Maybe you have to hurt to learn.

I remember the burning pain searing in my heart
the mental turmoil that ripped me almost in two
in what seems like eons ago.
Does this mean that one day soon to come i will see
the very same things reflected in your eyes,
to seem to tear you apart
and make you feel like there is no place on earth for you to breathe?

Yet, one day, i woke up.
Smelling the sweet smell of something like spring.
Two beautiful sentences from one beautiful friend,
had shook me back to my senses again.

Why let them control you?
Where's the you i know?
She asked.

The pain dissapeared
and my smile returned.

Why let them control you?
Where's the you i know?
She asked.


This time i hope that you really hear.

by SanSan=)

starting afresh

okkaayss..........
so. at the very beginning of 2006 i did get a blog........however...this dorkus here didnt maintain it and it just stayed stagnant. (So this is try number 2 for me=P) Furthermore, well...i seriously do not know how to maintain it...
so it is gonna be some time before it gets really pretty around here(i hope-will learn my way through this! gambatte masu!)

well, its been really empty lately and writing into my manual journal...well, lets just say that it is getting harder and harder to do so. So maybe i should start embracing the easier and more convinient way out and let my fingers do the talking instead.

love always
sansan