when it hurts the most????
it can be the pain of losing someone important in your life.............
but.....it can also be something else....
i experienced once again today......
how much it can hurt when....
the people closest to you don't believe in you or do not show that they do.......
this person.....with one cold look filled with utmost seriousness (whether it was a joke or not.... ) stared stright in my eyes and added a smarting cutting sentence that totally undermined my abilities-gifts that i thought that i had....
gifts that i work hard....very very hard to improve on......
talk about adding bitter icing to some already bitter cake......
you already know you are not the best and all you cling on to is that tiny sense of self worth, confidence and hope.....pushing your own limits......
yet.....with a single sentence.......someone can break down your wall.....
the worst part is that this exact same person is a person you never undermined and believe wholeheartedly in their ability........some person you believe in......
so to the world out there.....don't be like this person.....
whether you mean it as a joke or not....
a sentence that crushes another's confidence and abilities hurts....alot alot....
although it may be human nature......
although one day you may even catch me doing what i tell you not to ( if it happens please stop me)
although it may be difficult.....please do try.........
say something nice not something that bites....
as for me.............
no matter how hurting it may be........
after the tears.......
is the time to look up and ahead and press on......
though one may look back and the tears can't help flowing........
with every tiny step........
i will do my best to achieve what i believe is ment for me......
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
eternal life / timeless memory
Grandma has left us silently on Febuary 16.........
the funeral was today.........
i am very touched to see all my cousins chanting for grandma.....every single one.....
i am very touched by the people who came....and i want to express my heartfelt thanks to them...
as well as my heartfelt thanks to those that couldn't come but extended their concern and conodolences all the same.....
it was a quiet serene affair....almost beautiful i must say.......
there was no dramatic displays of emtions that would only pain my grandma
if i said that i am not sad.....i would be lying.....
she is the one who took care of me when i was a little baby......
i remember how i would kiss her goodbye on her lips everytime i visited her.....
i will miss her definitely......
but the messages that friends sent me will stay in my head...
telling me that life is eternal
and death is something all have to go through.....
that i must stay strong and love those alive all the more......
i know that life goes on.......
is that why i am not overly emtional??
or is it due to my uncanny skill of locking the pain elsewhere? just like the time where everyone cried when mummy had cancer and i didnt......
is that good or bad i wonder......
Mae told me once that i am too strong for my own good......
but i am not strong...not really....
maybe i seem this way because i happen to have this skill??
or is it that i am still in shock??
that reality has not really settled in?
it does seem rather surreal......
that she would not be there anymore.........
if i do have a delayed reation time......dont worry peeps.....i will dail for help....
whatever it is....i know she will be okay.....because she has the Gohonzon's protection....she believes in the True Law.
Life is eternal.....
and the memory of her will be timeless....
and forever safe in my heart....
i love you grandma and i wish i could have done more for you......
but you are safe i know.....
and that is all i ask for......
the funeral was today.........
i am very touched to see all my cousins chanting for grandma.....every single one.....
i am very touched by the people who came....and i want to express my heartfelt thanks to them...
as well as my heartfelt thanks to those that couldn't come but extended their concern and conodolences all the same.....
it was a quiet serene affair....almost beautiful i must say.......
there was no dramatic displays of emtions that would only pain my grandma
if i said that i am not sad.....i would be lying.....
she is the one who took care of me when i was a little baby......
i remember how i would kiss her goodbye on her lips everytime i visited her.....
i will miss her definitely......
but the messages that friends sent me will stay in my head...
telling me that life is eternal
and death is something all have to go through.....
that i must stay strong and love those alive all the more......
i know that life goes on.......
is that why i am not overly emtional??
or is it due to my uncanny skill of locking the pain elsewhere? just like the time where everyone cried when mummy had cancer and i didnt......
is that good or bad i wonder......
Mae told me once that i am too strong for my own good......
but i am not strong...not really....
maybe i seem this way because i happen to have this skill??
or is it that i am still in shock??
that reality has not really settled in?
it does seem rather surreal......
that she would not be there anymore.........
if i do have a delayed reation time......dont worry peeps.....i will dail for help....
whatever it is....i know she will be okay.....because she has the Gohonzon's protection....she believes in the True Law.
Life is eternal.....
and the memory of her will be timeless....
and forever safe in my heart....
i love you grandma and i wish i could have done more for you......
but you are safe i know.....
and that is all i ask for......
Friday, February 16, 2007
DongBangShinKi madness^^
Yahhahahhhahh!!! My exams are so over and done with=)
at the beginning...i was attracted to ChangMin(right)
throughout the entire study and exam break of about one week.......i was constantly distracted by all the videos one can find in YouTube that features DongBangShinKi=) or Tohoshinki (they are known by that in Japan)
ahhGhhhh!!!! you can't believe how crazy i am about them.....i have not been like that since the haydays of 5566....and this time it is even worse.....haishx
cus for one thing...i respect the fact that they really can sing....i am serious...i m not being biased
here....cus....i am darn particular about voice quality...haha
here is a picture of them.....
i got loads...thanks to Ivy-san!! Arigatou ne=)
nowadays....my MP3 is constantly playing their songs....I love the pulsating beats of their song "O"Jung.Ban.Hap......from their new 3rd korean album of the same name......the first time i heard it....i just wanted to dance to it=) their other fast paced songs also make me just want to dance like mad...heh...like Rising Sun, Dangerous Mind...hee=
as for their ballads,i like HUG, My Little Princess, You Only Love, Begin......
actually.......i love all their songs...
i dont know how to explain it.....
my brother says its just a phase that i will grow out of....
i wonder....but i doubt it....haha
Xiah JunSu recently collaborated with a newbie in the music scene JangRiIn.....they sang a duet...Timeless (korean version of KellyClarkson's english version) and.......gosh....i love it....the
gal is another vocal powerhouse....
here is the URL for the YouTube Clip of the MV...there are 2 parts...
its touching=) kinda sad....
I WISH I CAN SING LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!! well...i hope i can one day....haha
oh and did i mention that they are very comical actors??
their BanJun(reverse) Dramas that i watched on YouTube left me totally in stiches
their BanJun(reverse) Dramas that i watched on YouTube left me totally in stiches
if you ask me who is my favourite member.......
at the beginning...i was attracted to ChangMin(right)then....slowly.....the rest was just as attractive and cute!!!
like ....JaeJoong (below)
and YunHo(right)
at first.... i really did not like YooChun very much...then............
watching all the videos totally changed my opinion....
watching all the videos totally changed my opinion....
here he is (below)
and...as for Xiah........
i totally fell for him when i saw this----->
man.....its soooo cute!!
man.....its soooo cute!!
i mean...his speaking voice may be very high pitched for a guy..but when he opens his mouth to sing....Wahhhh.....i just sighed in complete enjoyment=)
Hahahax=)
The are now releasing singles in Japan=)
the previous one was STEP by STEP..this song.......is inspiring me right now....because.....
i am now at a time where i know...no matter what i dream to do or become in the future...i have to take things one step at a time....and no matter how hard it is or how much i want to cry sometimes.....i have to look up at the sun......embrace the hikari(light) and its warmth and smile...because every small step you take means you are one step closer...
GAMBARIMASU!!!!!!
the most recent single released is Choosy Lover...and...OHHHhhhh.....it is kinda sexy....and by the way that was a bit of an understatement. *winks*
haish...wished i had a programme that can allow me type japanese and/or korean......hahah....if anyone knows how to get one...PLEASE enlighten ME!!!!!
Tomorrow is Lunar New Year Eve......
Hugs to all my friends out there=) Love you guys=)
ANd to those i haven't seen in awhile....i miss you all=) *BIG HUG to you all*
Thursday, February 8, 2007
death
okay
okay
i know how much this sounds like the hospice ads you see at the bustops and newpapers recently.....
i love them by the way.....because they are....meaningful...
anyways........
recently.....last friday, i recieved news that my paternal grandmother had a fall.....and at the end of it all.....she slipped into a coma after a brain haemorrage.
She still has not woken.......
According to the doctors, her CT scan shows that the haemorrage occuring right in the middle of the brain.......
its no wonder she is in a coma....
after revising my Child Development for my exams- which happened to have a section on Brain development......
the haemorrage being right at the centre is most porbably at the sensorimotor cortex-controls movement and stuff.
well...they also added that there is nothing much they can do.....
at this moment.....they dont know when is she going to wake...or whether she will wake....
basically....she is just waiting for time.......
her time to go....
saying that i am not affected by it all is the understatement of the year....
this beautiful old lady lying frail and unmoving on the hospital bed in TTSH was the one....
who carried and took care of me when i was an infant and almost all through my primary school years...
who taught me how to name my feet as "pig's trotters" in cantonese causing and uproar when i went for my check with the doctor when i was a kid....cus i told him "chee kiok"-pig's trotters when he pointed at my legs and asked me to name it.
who was the one whom i said fed me coffee when i was a kid in my coffee entry......
whom i would kiss on the lips or cheek when we visited her in my secondary school days till before she become silent and in a coma...
she is only waiting to say goodbye...thats what the doctors are saying.....
it is almost unimaginable how unnerving it is......to visit her bright and early at the hospital on a monday morning and see all the doctors going on their round in the wards and each one of them just passing my grandmother by.......
maybe i am just being emotional because those doctors i saw may not be her assigned doctor.....
even so............
its still nerve wrecking to a point of almost anguish and frustration........
i repeatedly told myself.......
if only i was a doctor.......
would that make a difference???
i can only say that though i can't make a difference now.......
i can dream of making a difference for others in the future......
we talk to her.........and only silence greets us......
i wonder if she can hear....
i am sure she does....=)
poor grandma.......she wants to respond....but something is stopping her......
is there even a chance of her opening her eyes again??
all i know is that if death does come i want to see her say goodbye.....
and be there to say goodbye
i sincerely hope she will leave with chanting around her......
with faith in the Gohonzon......
and even chant before she goes......
and that it will be peaceful and serene.........
i havent taken a photo with her in a long time...............
if she stood.....she will be below my chin...at my shoulders...........
okay
i know how much this sounds like the hospice ads you see at the bustops and newpapers recently.....
i love them by the way.....because they are....meaningful...
anyways........
recently.....last friday, i recieved news that my paternal grandmother had a fall.....and at the end of it all.....she slipped into a coma after a brain haemorrage.
She still has not woken.......
According to the doctors, her CT scan shows that the haemorrage occuring right in the middle of the brain.......
its no wonder she is in a coma....
after revising my Child Development for my exams- which happened to have a section on Brain development......
the haemorrage being right at the centre is most porbably at the sensorimotor cortex-controls movement and stuff.
well...they also added that there is nothing much they can do.....
at this moment.....they dont know when is she going to wake...or whether she will wake....
basically....she is just waiting for time.......
her time to go....
saying that i am not affected by it all is the understatement of the year....
this beautiful old lady lying frail and unmoving on the hospital bed in TTSH was the one....
who carried and took care of me when i was an infant and almost all through my primary school years...
who taught me how to name my feet as "pig's trotters" in cantonese causing and uproar when i went for my check with the doctor when i was a kid....cus i told him "chee kiok"-pig's trotters when he pointed at my legs and asked me to name it.
who was the one whom i said fed me coffee when i was a kid in my coffee entry......
whom i would kiss on the lips or cheek when we visited her in my secondary school days till before she become silent and in a coma...
she is only waiting to say goodbye...thats what the doctors are saying.....
it is almost unimaginable how unnerving it is......to visit her bright and early at the hospital on a monday morning and see all the doctors going on their round in the wards and each one of them just passing my grandmother by.......
maybe i am just being emotional because those doctors i saw may not be her assigned doctor.....
even so............
its still nerve wrecking to a point of almost anguish and frustration........
i repeatedly told myself.......
if only i was a doctor.......
would that make a difference???
i can only say that though i can't make a difference now.......
i can dream of making a difference for others in the future......
we talk to her.........and only silence greets us......
i wonder if she can hear....
i am sure she does....=)
poor grandma.......she wants to respond....but something is stopping her......
is there even a chance of her opening her eyes again??
all i know is that if death does come i want to see her say goodbye.....
and be there to say goodbye
i sincerely hope she will leave with chanting around her......
with faith in the Gohonzon......
and even chant before she goes......
and that it will be peaceful and serene.........
i havent taken a photo with her in a long time...............
if she stood.....she will be below my chin...at my shoulders...........
classProDuctiOn=)
Heys people=)
i jus wanna shout out to all the DIVAs form ECH 1DO1 that...
man...you guys totally rawked that day during the performance=P i know its a tad late writing right now....but still.....
this is one performance (and assignment) that will be lodged in my brain forever...
I mean....
who else could ever produce a better version of "The IDOLS by Elvis Broccoli"
we are the originals=)
lets leave everything to be savoured in our memories=)
here are some of the pics that i managed to get=PP
here's everyone in the cast and crew=)
with our lecturer Ms Belinda Seet=)
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