death

okay
okay
i know how much this sounds like the hospice ads you see at the bustops and newpapers recently.....

i love them by the way.....because they are....meaningful...

anyways........

recently.....last friday, i recieved news that my paternal grandmother had a fall.....and at the end of it all.....she slipped into a coma after a brain haemorrage.

She still has not woken.......

According to the doctors, her CT scan shows that the haemorrage occuring right in the middle of the brain.......
its no wonder she is in a coma....
after revising my Child Development for my exams- which happened to have a section on Brain development......
the haemorrage being right at the centre is most porbably at the sensorimotor cortex-controls movement and stuff.

well...they also added that there is nothing much they can do.....
at this moment.....they dont know when is she going to wake...or whether she will wake....
basically....she is just waiting for time.......
her time to go....

saying that i am not affected by it all is the understatement of the year....

this beautiful old lady lying frail and unmoving on the hospital bed in TTSH was the one....

who carried and took care of me when i was an infant and almost all through my primary school years...

who taught me how to name my feet as "pig's trotters" in cantonese causing and uproar when i went for my check with the doctor when i was a kid....cus i told him "chee kiok"-pig's trotters when he pointed at my legs and asked me to name it.

who was the one whom i said fed me coffee when i was a kid in my coffee entry......

whom i would kiss on the lips or cheek when we visited her in my secondary school days till before she become silent and in a coma...


she is only waiting to say goodbye...thats what the doctors are saying.....

it is almost unimaginable how unnerving it is......to visit her bright and early at the hospital on a monday morning and see all the doctors going on their round in the wards and each one of them just passing my grandmother by.......

maybe i am just being emotional because those doctors i saw may not be her assigned doctor.....

even so............

its still nerve wrecking to a point of almost anguish and frustration........

i repeatedly told myself.......
if only i was a doctor.......
would that make a difference???

i can only say that though i can't make a difference now.......
i can dream of making a difference for others in the future......

we talk to her.........and only silence greets us......
i wonder if she can hear....
i am sure she does....=)
poor grandma.......she wants to respond....but something is stopping her......

is there even a chance of her opening her eyes again??

all i know is that if death does come i want to see her say goodbye.....
and be there to say goodbye
i sincerely hope she will leave with chanting around her......
with faith in the Gohonzon......
and even chant before she goes......

and that it will be peaceful and serene.........

i havent taken a photo with her in a long time...............
if she stood.....she will be below my chin...at my shoulders...........